Thursday, June 25, 2009

Gold for Cash


Do you like gold? Have you been taken by one of those crazy “Cash for Gold” scams promising to send you troughs full of cash in return for all of the jewelry you or anyone in your family has ever owned? Have you blindly placed your precious belongings in an envelope with the promise of riches in return, only to receive less than what a Taiwanese sex worker makes in an hour?

Person 1:

I sent in all of my grandmother’s heirloom jewelry and only got $12!

(holds up $12)

Person 2:

I mailed in 2 gold bars and they sent me this bag of carrots!

(holds up bag of carrots)

Person 3:

I actually received a Taiwanese sex worker in exchange for some stale peanuts!

(Holds up an Alf puppet? a ficus plant? something else more funny)


Actually, that's a ficus plant.

Person 3:

(to announcer, near tears)

Why do you always have to be so cruel?

(to ficus)

Come on baby, lets go make some sweet magic.


(to audience, while crossing to the other side of the stage)

Well, now there’s an answer to all your problems! The Gold for Cash Institute! The process is easy. Just take your used and unwanted cash and place it in this prepaid envelope and we’ll send you gold! Here at the Gold for Cash Institute, we have certified gold-ologists working around the clock to insure you receive more than your money’s worth!

Scientist 1:

Hey, Harvey. What do you think Judy from Dubuque can get for ten grand?

(hands Harvey 10 grand)

Scientist 2:

(turns cash over in his hands a bit)

Ehhhhh…..I’d say 3 doubloons.


Here at the Institute we have worked for, literally, days to perfect a precise mathematical model to determine a fair exchange. This complex algorithm takes into account such factors as exchange rate, gold futures trading, the specific economic climate of your area, blood type, and risk of zombie attack.

Person 1:

(wearing a large gold crown and gleeful like a little girl. Can be male or female. Is accompanied by gross, unimpressed redneck scratching and drinking beer)

I sent in $30 dollars and got this bejeweled tiara! Now my husband thinks I’m a princess!!

Person 2:

I sent in $100 and got a full set of someone’s gold teeth!

(flashes a smile to reveal a crazy ass grill?)

Person 3:

(mouth covered in chocolate. Possibly retarded kid? Nate?)

I sent in $3,000 and the gold I got back had chocolate in it! Yeaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!


Remember, we offer more gold tan our competitors and it’s all guaranteed by someone who you trust! Don’t delay! The time for gold is NOW!

(Either opens jacket to reveal gold watches hanging inside and perhaps a rubber chicken? A gilded rubber chicken? Or zombies attack the stage. Whatevz)


Friday, June 12, 2009


A race of men who can never die and are eternally embroiled in a battle to eradicate others of their kind until we find out they are aliens in the sequel? Sounds crazy, no? It isn't easy. You may ask why do we stay here if it's so dangerous? Well, we stay because of our love of

1) Our love of perms, trench coats, and white sneakers
2) Easy women and lightning montages
3) Queen, you see, we are princes of the universe.

But more than that, we stay because it's tradition! (a few bars of Tradition plays)

Here in _____, we have traditions for everything. How to sleep, how to eat, how to work, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always wear

1)Culturally inappropriate attire


2) (Nothing and skip to Tradition section OR something funnier)

Here in _____, Egyptians dress like Spaniards and speak with Scottish accents. How did this tradition get started? I'll tell you!..........I don't know

(Move into song "Tradition" change Papas, Mamas, Daughters, and Sons, to something Highlander related that I will write later when I am not at work)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Racially Insensitive Vibrators

"Rabbit" style

Shaft=Totem Pole
Vibrating Nub=Beaver
(This actually exists. It's called the Big Chief)

Shaft=Black man with afro
Nub=Black power fist

Shaft=Hasidic Jew (Hat, earlocks)
Nub=Star of David

Nub=Chop Sticks
(this is obviously in yellow and very, very small)

Shaft=Mexican in a sombraro


Nub=Small Boy

Regular Vibrators With Voices

A Mexican vibrator. When you turn it on, it buzzes for a second then stops and says, "I theeeenk I need a siesta"

A Gay vibrator that just refuses to go there.